(Wrote this a week ago. Found out that I'm only halfway through so thought I'd finish and post it today)
The moment I turned my back towards my family, as I walked down the stairs towards my ride back to my Uni... I don't know why I feel this sudden urge of sadness. Have you ever felt that feeling when your heart feels a twinge of sourness and suddenly your eyes stung with tears? Yeah.... that's it. I don't even know why, I mean, I've done this before. Turning and never looking back. Hundreds of times, even. Always going to kl to meet my parents during weekends then going back to UTP after 2 or 3 days. There's nothing different with this time.... but why is it so damn hard?
As I found my seat and plonked down on the chair, I started to think about what happened these few days. I don't know why, I'm so easily angered these days. It's like this surge of anger coursing through my veins, sending my whole body into a dangerous hum, going to explode anytime soon. Not hot-tempered, just... angry. Angry at everything, everyone. How one small thing could easily trigger my imaginary bomb and snap my nerves into halves. Like how someone in facebook challenged me in one of the comments on my status, and I went posting things about not to mess with the wrong girl (obviously, I'm talking abt me) if not I'll make his life like hell. Not that I would really do that.... but still. It's easier to put up a tough exterior to scare people off than letting people get behind your back and walk all over you. Then there's this international student finding me through facebook chat. I didn't saw his msg until he sent a 2nd message--"Do you know it's rude to ignore ppl when a person finds you? you girls are weird" I mean, wtf. Like, seriously. WTF. I didn't do anything wrong, did I? So this surge of anger inside me took over my mind and hands again when I retort a not-so-friendly-reply to him.... and there he was. Flipping me off. What is wrong with that person? What is wrong with the previous person who was purposely looking for a fight from me? What is wrong with me?? I don't like this new person in me. Especially when this person flips at her friends whenever she feels impatient or irritated. I was never this kind of person back in secondary school. You know, I used to be the one who "has no limits, never retort back or get angry in front of ppl", in other words, I'm easily bullied. Always called around to do things or help ppl out. Always there... always so eager to please people. And now I'm the one asking people to do things for me and always treating my friends like shit. Sigh... I guess I could never find a balance between this two personalities. Always shifting between these two unhealthy ends...
And then there's another problem. I'm losing concentration. I'm easily distracted. I can't seem to focus on anything for more than 5 minutes before my mind drifts to someplace else. and this is serious. Especially towards my academic progress. I'm seriously slacking behind in my studies, and I find it hard to get it back on track. Luckily I have helpful coursemates to help me out. If not.. I'm not even sure that I'll survive through this semester. There's just soo many things swirling around in my head, tangling up all my thoughts... making my head a whirl round of mess. How one thing leads my thought to something else, without any real connection between them. and how it takes me more time to switch it back to what I'm supposed to be focusing on. I'm constantly tired ( which mostly contributes to the way i get irritated easily) no matter how long I slept the night before. I feel down most of the times that sometimes I feel like having depression or something. Which I don't think I have. or do I?... Nah... I don't think so. Anyways. It's throwing my life off balance. and I hate imbalance ( typical libra lol). Gotta find back the 'kick' I had for the last two sem before things get too out of control...
Still in train. Almost reaching my destination. Which I do NOT look forward to it. I enjoy doing this. travelling by your own, no need to entertain anyone. Just let yourself get lost in your own thoughts without caring that you might be ignoring your friend or a travelling mate. It allows me to think. like now, obviously. Think... searching for answers. Sometimes I get lucky enough to find the answers I want, but on the bad days I don't. And this is one of those days. No answers, just lots and lots and lots of thoughts filling up my mind, making it almost hurtful to use my brain at all. No wonder I can't seem to squeeze anything I'd learned in lectures into my head, not when all my brain cells are used up by all this stupid useless thoughts. Oh, and one thing about travelling alone. You never know who you'll meet on your trip. An emo teenager who's too caught up by his or her thoughts to notice me; A busy businessman who keeps on checking his smartphone for mails; An aunty going some place to visit her child; A traveller who is stuck in Malaysia due to some procedure problems; or, if you get reeeaaally lucky, a wise person who has enough free time to give you advices on life. Met one once, at KL Sentral when I was waiting for my parents to pick me up to Genting. Would never forget that experience. :)
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