Sometimes I wonder if a person can be too much... yet not enough at the same time.
Juz like me.
At times when I got into a quarrel with mum, or in some days when I woke up on the wrong side of bed I dislike everything and anything that she does. But when something achingly alike to pain and exhaustion flickered in her eyes and how suddenly all her grey hair shines under my gaze, showing how hard life has been treating my mum's poor soul... I thought maybe I'm just too much for her to handle.
Or sometimes --like right now-- I feel like I'm not enough for her. not good enough. I feel like shite now.
Okay, maybe I feel like shite since 6 years ago-- when all my confidence and that smuggy look on my face was wiped out by that stupid slip of paper with my UPSR result typed neatly on it. I mean, COME ON-- I've been the top in class since primary 4 way till I was primary 6, like every fucking time. I do basketballs, netballs, ping pong, badminton, went swimming, story-telling comps, public speaking, choir, choral speaking, the head of sound controlling system in scul, be the freaking head prefect of scul, the best fucking student in scul-- yet in the end I fell. I feel like I fell from the Petronas twin tower and slammed myself into the hard, cold concrete underneath right on my face and got ran through by a tractor or a bus. But I was only twelve... So i did what kids usually do. Cry. I guess imperfection was so foreign to me that time and it hit me hard.
Which subject that scarred my childhood memories? dum da dum--- BC essay.
So yeah I just drifted off as a completely-normal-doesn't-outshine-in-any-ways student when I went for secondary scul. really, really normal. Like i have a teacher who taught me for 2 years and the next year when I greeted her she was like oh u're my student before?.... Not that it's true, but, got it?? yeah, that kind of normal. But when my academic results dropped horrendously-- that's when I saw the tears in her eyes again as she kept on acting all strong and furious with a cane in her hand and just keep on shouting, yelling until her voice finally broke and she went out of the room defeated (I never did told her my Geografi dropped 30 fucking marks bcoz I didn't pass up that stupid projek abt environmentalism and all-- bcoz seriously, teachers. U want us to go green and 'Save The World' by printing thousands of papers with some stupid pics and extremely long essays which in the end we'll surely throw it away or rather burn it. Points for sarcasm, abby) That look haunted me for months and before I realised I was picking up the pieces I'd left in my schoolworks again. and I was doing really really well and everyone had their faith in me--- again--- that I can do it. That I can stand on Mount Everest and yell "I'm on the top of the world!!" to every living being on the earth and ask PMR to toss off, you wanker. Hell even I believed that I can. When most of my friends received their results and with most of them scoring str8 As.. I couldn't help but felt more confidence growing and growing until it reach the point where my heart was gonna blow up. I mean really, some of my friends --no offense-- have poorer results than me and they've been blessed with full As. But then... Great. After 3 years someone up there decided to replay that stupid scene again. So again i was shocked, disappointed and in despair. I don't envy my friends.. really.. I just... I just wished that I'm that lucky too, that I can get what I've worked hard for. And I was feeling so left out when almost all of my classmates went for the photoshooting... Not envy, just left out.
And the winner for the-subject-which-brutally-torn-abby-away-from-her-frens is..... ehem... BM!
And so after 2 more eventful years the same scenario strikes again! But this time the effects didn't hit me that fast. I was happy. I was content. I've got what I deserved. I'd thought I've got what I Needed. And I believed those ppl who took a simple glance at my result slip and said "Wow you've got str8 As! I'm telling you just go to Inti they'll give u full scholarship for ur foundation automatically!" and so as I was happily signing away for registration and accommodation management, those ppl who told me that freakin sentence told me with the same fucking expression "Oh I'm sorry we've just known that A minuses don't count! which makes ur scholarship dropped from 100% to 50%!" What. The. Fuck. U told me this after I've registered for everything? And once again I was one fucking subject less from the requirement. ONE. I know I only took BC coz my mum asked me to and well It is afterall my mother-tongue language but... ISTHISSOMEKINDOFAJOKE?? Bcoz it's not funny at all! Fate has been a bitch to me, mates. coz he's like, making me believed that I've done well enough but in the end I Wasn't Good Enough. 每一次都是这样....就差那么一科！一科！！！老天...你可不可以不要在每一个大考都耍我...我真的快要疯了...想到未来还有一堆更重要的考试...我...我该怎么过....
And, now... Just because of this one, meaningless, subject... my parents have to pay an extra RM7000+ for my course... I've always thought that I can do this, you know. Saving my parent's money for them. for sis. for bro. And this thought only grew in me when I've been informed with free foundation courses... I really wanted to help you guys out, mum.. dad... but I guess I'm just not enough. I'm always gonna be the one whom people would point at and say "See that girl? She was this close to str8 As... always one subject behind." and for relatives to say "哎哟，每次都差那么一科就状元，可惜咯...."
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry mum and dad. I guess me being not good enough outweights me being too much to handle... I can never reach the point of equilibrium between this two. I'll never be the perfect li'l girl u'v always wanted me to be.
I'm sorry. :')
