ღUTP Dear's B'day~~ღ

今天   很特别
因为..... 是我UTP的 dear dear 的生日  ♥  ♥  ♥

有人十九岁了咯    酱老  xD
本来说好每个人写一张纸条  放在那个罐罐里

等你有空的时候拿出来看的

可是没办法   本小姐太多话讲

所以....  就写在这个 Blog

给你慢慢看   :D

在进入正题前

我要先跟你讲   准备你的生日有多麻烦！

本来要买 Badminton Bag 给你

结果我才要买的那天晚上就看到你背着一个

问你   你说叫JiaQi 买了！ = =

Ok 咯

过后我就上网买手表     LED 的

因为我记得第一次去怡保的时候

你说过你真的很想要一个LED的手表

买了     你又跟我说

‘呃，不要买手表给我！我不会带的！你买几支100 Plus 或 Hot dog给我就可以了！’

............

过后就到Group的礼物

本来.... 要买Sports Bra 给你的 xD!!
可是你生日前几天  又跟我说你穿的跑鞋不适合打羽球

结果  颖萍已经在Parade 准备买 Sports Bra 了

我还要赶进打电话给她叫她不要买

因为  我想准备一个

你很需要用到   而且能用很久的礼物

过后   因为要问你脚的Size

就直接打给你   说你生日前一天

要抓你出去买鞋

你又说这里卖的东西都骗人钱的   不要去

唉....真是被你气死了

眼看你的生日要到了

什么东西都还没准备好

而且  本来早就想好要怎样耍你

而且想到的那晚还兴奋到睡不着觉那种 LOL

结果到最后每个人都说  

很忙   很累

所以不能玩你了

真的很失望叻

但过后想下   不要紧

先告诉你我会Kacau你 让你预料我随时会整你

到最后却没有整你.....   这也算是整人的一种技术啊 hahaha~
直到你生日前三晚

终于让Eileen想到要送你什么

你什么都不缺    就缺钱

所以.....

就送钱！xD!!!

特别吧~~

一想到这个Idea  我和Eileen赶进去准备你的礼物

你知不知道   为了你的礼物

光是跟她们收钱   收她们的祝福语

还有折那些钱成不同的形状

我花了整整两天   而且连功课都还没做的那种(是我懒惰啦 :P)

有没有很感动！！ xD

只希望   这个生日礼物

能够让你毕生难忘

还有还有   我还买了啤酒

准备给你吃Pizza的时候享用的

你看~  是不是设想周到？？

所以以后要对我好一点   懂不懂？？ xP

ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ

好了啦    到正经事了

第一次见到你   

是我第一天来UTP的时候

那时要去吃晚餐

看到Eileen和几个人一起   有一个还染头发的

然后那个染发的一见到我就说

“嗨！我是紫芊！我Korea来的Exchange Student!”

= =.......

第一天而已就给你炸到   哈哈哈哈哈

之后再跟你相处   是我们一起搭巴士去怡保

和跟Ong她们一起驾车去怡保

那时才觉得   原来你人怪是怪了点

其实也蛮好的 

:)

虽然认识你不到一年
可是跟你真的很 ngam 叻

讲真    UTP里的人一个个都那么注重学业

只有你才会陪我玩

只有你才会陪我癫

陪我耍幼稚   xP

虽然我喜欢一个人独处的时间

但  我更珍惜有人陪我一起疯的时候

你知道么   很多疯狂的‘第一次’

都是因为有你配合   才能实行的

要不然

我早就被这里沉闷的生活   闷死了  > <
还有 还有

认识你下    我每次去KL

才有免费的住宿    免费的家常菜给我吃

还有Driver载我和带去玩

真的是赚到    xD

和你有许多美好和疯狂的回忆

第一次租车出去玩   

第一次聊天聊通宵

第一次在朋友家过夜

第一次和朋友半夜驾车去看戏  吃McD早餐

我生日的时候   陪了我一整天  还帮我扫完我的蛋糕

当每个人都很静的时候  跟你两个人High

跟你看照片看整夜

跟你一起在那边唱Misery的Oh Yeah~ （还加麦舞步xD)

还有你的 Ting ka Ting     Turn Around~~

还有跟你 Dok chi dok chi
你是我唯一一个在这大学里

能够教我读书   陪我打球   又和我一起玩的人

真的很庆幸   能够认识到你

你能够将你的心事  和你的过去跟我分享

也是我的荣幸   x)

dear dear啊    长大了

我知道你一向来都蛮懂事的

但   我们不可以再那么Spontaneous做事了

是时候想想做一件事后  会发生的后果

还有   那份牛脾气

是时候改了~

我明白被人说自己是错的时候 

会很不甘愿    因为我也是酱   xD

可是别人也是出于好意才告诉我们

所以要学习听别人的意见   虚心领受~

还有还有   不要整天酱晚睡   吃到酱不健康

对身体很不好的

关心你    不是我啰嗦

是因为   

你这个朋友   我可是要认识一辈子的

可不希望你以后七老八十了

比我早升天   因为你年少的时候吃不健康   xD

hmm....

还有

I know you're struggling to meet the ends between badminton training and keeping up with your studies and probably family matters

But if you're tired and you feel like you couldn't handle it anymore

Must remember to take a break from all of these ya

Don't force yourself to cope with all this shit

Or if you need someone to talk to or to spill your troubles out

Must turn to your friends ya

I'm sure they're all willing to lend a hand for you even though they always bully you xD

And if you ever ever need a shoulder to lean on 

or simply need a hug

remember I am always here for you too ya :) 

嗯..... 

我想说的   应该就这样吧 

在 End 这个 Blog 之前

I just want you to know that

I am really, really thankful to Whoever that brought such a good companion like you into my life

I know sometimes I'm alot to handle, especially when I'm being a moody bitch

but thanks for staying around

and with that I will cherish our friendship

because some friendships are meant to sail forever x)

Your pressie~~ x)

Two stupid girls making funny faces in Pavillion~

Taken before Christmas at 1 Utama~ I look so cute in this pikcha! :D

Love you always~ My 'dok chi dok chi' dear~ ღ ღ

Loooooong train ride(2)

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard that the next stop would be Kampar. Sighed really loudly. Suddenly thought of my family, again. Especially my mother. I really miss her. Tell the 14-year-old me I'll get so attached to her when I get to Uni, I bet that younger version of me would laugh hysterically and say u're damn crazy. I use to despise my mum. So much that once I got over the line and said I wish I was never born in this household because it sucked and because I have her as my mum. It was a hard slap on my face that I would never, ever forget in my entire life.... But anyways. Here I am. Missing her dearly even though I'd just seen her 2 hours ago when she sent me to the railway station. I thought of how hard it must have been to bring up us three kids. How dramatic our family life has been. Maybe not as dramatic as others. But hey, every household has their own problems, right? Then I thought of my father. How I use to be closer to him when I was young. How he would always piggy-back- ride me until I got way too old to be carried around. How i use to hold his hand and squeeze it tightly just because it makes me feel secure and safe. How everytime he went travelling and came back with lots of cool stuffs for me and my bro n sis. How now that I'm older I realized that I never really tell him about my life and he never tells me his. How our only conversation revolves around family matters, politics and the occasional advices to help steer my way in life. Now that I think of it, I'm so much more in common with my dad than my mum. Not only look-wise, but also personality-wise. Once I stumbled upon my dad's personal voice recordings of his daily activities. I never knew my dad was under so much stress. He always keep everything in his heart, not telling anyone. Not even mum. He doesn't really seem to care about us, but I know we meant the whole world to him. He has always been the idol of mine. Smart (top-student in class), used-to-be athletic (went Volleyball competition in overseas), good in management, good in socializing (haves tonnes of friends whose willing to give a helping hand whenever he has problems from all over the world...) and he was really handsome when he was younger :D my mum told me all the girls in their University swoon all over him whenever he plays volleyball, but he only got his eyes set on my mum anyway *how sweet*.

Then I thought about my brother. How we're almost like strangers now. I use to be closest to him even though we always fight with each other. Mainly coz he's the only one who bothers to entertain me and plays with me and gives me all these cool things to play ( which at the end turns out I have to do something for him in order to play these things). I remember how he use to pay me 50 cents to scratch his back at night before we sleep. Or how he lets me draw something on his back and he could guess straight away what I was drawing or writing. Then he went to college and I got older.... then somewhere along the way we drifted apart. I don't even know what to say to him now. Not awkward, just silence. Tbh, I'm jealous to see him interacting with my cousins better than with me. I mean, I'm his sister. We have the same blood in us. I made an effort of finding him occasionally, but he almost always ignore me. I hate it. I hate how he never tries to contact us family members, never making an effort to maintain our family bond. and now how he chooses his girlfriend over mum. How could he do that? Whenever I hear mum sobbing at the other end of the phone I just..... my heart breaks. Why things have to be complicated? Then there's this thing about him spending money too generously. Yes my family is not rich, but we could get by our lives leisurely without any financial worries. But when he went to UK for his 3 months degree training, things got a little bit out of hand. I don't blame him for sightseeing across the whole Europe, but he caught up with this stupid expensive hobby-- Collecting original "Hard Rock" t-shirts from different countries. And then he received an iPad from his girlfriend's  mum. My mum was so angry that she banked in rm2000 to his account and told him "Give back the money. I don't want you to owe her family anything." And by that time I just enrolled in my college Inti and my sis was preparing to go for her Masters in Germany. My mum kept on asking me not to worry, but I know it's getting hard for them to support three of us with two overseas. So as usual I have to be the 'smart-enough-to-do-the-right-thing' child. When Petronas called me and said that I'd receive the scholarship, I was shocked and in disbelieve and sad. I really don't wanna leave my frens in Inti. I called my parents and they said they will respect my choice, no matter what it is. But I really wanna lift the financial pressure away from them.... so here I am. Not that I'm complaining, coz now I look back it was the right thing to do. but still I wish my brother would have been more sensible. See, that's the problem. He doesn't contact us. He doesn't care. He doesn't know anything and he is oblivious to what might be happening to our family but instead he's more concerned with my cousin's family coz he's living under their roof now. sigh..... Why does it have to be so complicated.......

Back to Uni safe and sound after hopping on a cab I called earlier on. The driver was nice, chinese. Said call him Uncle Lau. told me stories of his passengers which mostly are UTP students like me. Got to my room, throw everything on the floor. Tidy up a few things. Went to bath. Lie on bed, missing my family again yet too tired to think of anything else. Think of how I'd just wasted hours thinking useless things without any answers. (And now wasting even more time to write this stupid blog out coz I just had to).  Stuff my ears with earphone and drown myself into songs. Phone shuffles to "Always look on the bright side of life" by Monty Python. Think that no matter how hard life seems to be, maybe it will come around itself without the need of you worrying it. Close eyes and finally succumbed to my exhaustion.

Loooooong train ride(1)

(Wrote this a week ago. Found out that I'm only halfway through so thought I'd finish and post it today)

The moment I turned my back towards my family, as I walked down the stairs towards my ride back to my Uni... I don't know why I feel this sudden urge of sadness. Have you ever felt that feeling when your heart feels a twinge of sourness and suddenly your eyes stung with tears? Yeah.... that's it. I don't even know why, I mean, I've done this before. Turning and never looking back. Hundreds of times, even. Always going to kl to meet my parents during weekends then going back to UTP after 2 or 3 days. There's nothing different with this time.... but why is it so damn hard?

As I found my seat and plonked down on the chair, I started to think about what happened these few days. I don't know why, I'm so easily angered these days. It's like this surge of anger coursing through my veins, sending my whole body into a dangerous hum, going to explode anytime soon. Not hot-tempered, just... angry. Angry at everything, everyone. How one small thing could easily trigger my imaginary bomb and snap my nerves into halves. Like how someone in facebook challenged me in one of the comments on my status, and I went posting things about not to mess with the wrong girl (obviously, I'm talking abt me) if not I'll make his life like hell. Not that I would really do that.... but still. It's easier to put up a tough exterior to scare people off than letting people get behind your back and walk all over you. Then there's this international student finding me through facebook chat. I didn't saw his msg until he sent a 2nd message--"Do you know it's rude to ignore ppl when a person finds you? you girls are weird" I mean, wtf. Like, seriously. WTF. I didn't do anything wrong, did I? So this surge of anger inside me took over my mind and hands again when I retort a not-so-friendly-reply to him.... and there he was. Flipping me off. What is wrong with that person? What is wrong with the previous person who was purposely looking for a fight from me? What is wrong with me?? I don't like this new person in me. Especially when this person flips at her friends whenever she feels impatient or irritated. I was never this kind of person back in secondary school. You know, I used to be the one who "has no limits, never retort back or get angry in front of ppl", in other words, I'm easily bullied. Always called around to do things or help ppl out. Always there... always so eager to please people. And now I'm the one asking people to do things for me and always treating my friends like shit. Sigh... I guess I could never find a balance between this two personalities. Always shifting between these two unhealthy ends...

And then there's another problem. I'm losing concentration. I'm easily distracted. I can't seem to focus on anything for more than 5 minutes before my mind drifts to someplace else. and this is serious. Especially towards my academic progress. I'm seriously slacking behind in my studies, and I find it hard to get it back on track. Luckily I have helpful coursemates to help me out. If not.. I'm not even sure that I'll survive through this semester. There's just soo many things swirling around in my head, tangling up all my thoughts... making my head a whirl round of mess. How one thing leads my thought to something else, without any real connection between them. and how it takes me more time to switch it back to what I'm supposed to be focusing on. I'm constantly tired ( which mostly contributes to the way i get irritated easily) no matter how long I slept the night before. I feel down most of the times that sometimes I feel like having depression or something. Which I don't think I have. or do I?... Nah... I don't think so. Anyways. It's throwing my life off balance. and I hate imbalance ( typical libra lol). Gotta find back the 'kick' I had for the last two sem before things get too out of control...

Still in train. Almost reaching my destination. Which I do NOT look forward to it. I enjoy doing this. travelling by your own, no need to entertain anyone. Just let yourself get lost in your own thoughts without caring that you might be ignoring your friend or a travelling mate. It allows me to think. like now, obviously. Think... searching for answers. Sometimes I get lucky enough to find the answers I want, but on the bad days I don't. And this is one of those days. No answers, just lots and lots and lots of thoughts filling up my mind, making it almost hurtful to use my brain at all. No wonder I can't seem to squeeze anything I'd learned in lectures into my head, not when all my brain cells are used up by all this stupid useless thoughts. Oh, and one thing about travelling alone. You never know who you'll meet on your trip. An emo teenager who's too caught up by his or her thoughts to notice me; A busy businessman who keeps on checking his smartphone for mails; An aunty going some place to visit her child; A traveller who is stuck in Malaysia due to some procedure problems; or, if you get reeeaaally lucky, a wise person who has enough free time to give you advices on life. Met one once, at KL Sentral when I was waiting for my parents to pick me up to Genting. Would never forget that experience. :)

第一次...(上）

 两年了
这两年来
每次想起你
就会浮现出  很多 很多的疑问
等了那么久....
终于鼓起勇气     问到了答案


还记得第一次遇见你
是在学校礼堂旁     一间小小的 music room
那时choir audition
没想到第一次相遇
你就要在我面前唱歌
而且还唱得五音不全    哈哈哈
从此以后
我和我的朋友  都叫你‘那个走音的’
因为我们不懂你的名字 xD


再一次接触
是在pengawas camp
不懂干吗
那时总觉得    你在针对我  = =
有空没空都叫我站起来回答问题
或则一直kacau我的队
像不要让我赢酱 > <
结果    到最后一天了
当我还想着
‘终于完了~不用再看到那走音的人的脸了~’
准备回家时
你却突然匆忙地冲下楼来追着我
然后气喘呼呼地
跟我要电话号码


.......
你知道么
这是我   第一次
有男生那么坦率的跟我要号码
........


之后
我们几乎每天都在玩信息
到了第三天
你就打电话给我
这也是  我第一次
跟一个不是很熟的男生
聊了一整个小时
........


我真的很佩服你
能够每天都打给我
而且每一次  都聊到超过一个小时
你
真的很好很好    好到我有点受宠若惊
我说饿了  就在45分钟内打包东西送到我家给我吃
我烦 伤心  失望
就唱歌给我听
因为知道我一定会笑你的歌声
说  ‘只要你开心就好’
和你聊天   困了
就哼摇篮曲给我听
直到确定我睡着了（你讲话我不应你）
才偷偷说句 “晚安笨笨，希望今晚你会梦到我噢。muackx.”
以为我听不到
其实    我只是不出声而已 xD
这
也是第一次
有这么一个人  对我那么体贴
.........


最难忘的
应该就是我的16岁生日吧
一大早就抓我出去
9点去parkson    店都没开完  = =
记得我们无聊到跑去书店
知道你讨厌英语   说很难学
可是要考muet了
就随便捉一本小孩子的书
开始和你一人一面    念起故事来  哈哈哈哈
要走的时候  你还很可爱却又扮正经的问我
可以牵我的手吗
笑死我了
到了晚上  你也出席我的生日会
说真的   那次的生日会   真的让我很气
幸亏有你帮我  不然我真的会疯掉 = =
好了之后  你说要给我一个惊喜
载我到百盛对面的那个公园
然后   就在车上
唱“世界唯一的你” 给我听
然后一只手握着我的手   另一只拿你写好的稿在那里念 (啊哈哈哈哈哈！）
接着又拿起一个小小的心型蛋糕唱生日歌给我听
给我一张你说你第一次自己做的生日卡
和一个很特别的夜灯   说我照亮你的世界
当时的我   真的很感动  很感动
现在想起来  真的好像拍戏酱   哈哈
..........
这是第一次
有人   那么用心地  跟我告白
也是第一次
有人面对面  亲口对我说
我爱你
..........


我们在一起了
那一段时间  我真的很开心
有空没空一起去游Sibu
到处乱逛   找好料吃
在学校  当我下课要on duty
你怕我没时间去食堂买东西吃
就把你的食物分一半给我
还叮嘱我一定要吃
说放学时看到我没吃的话  我就死定了
我乖乖的吃了
虽然我知道  就算我不吃   你也不舍得对我怎样   <3
考试了
我们俩每天跑到图书馆泡
成绩出来  你的muet考得不错  开心死了
虽然那时我的成绩很好
可是你还是坚持说我是笨笨 > <
之后  放假了
你说胖了  我教你打Squash
我说想学吉他    你说想见我多一点
就说好我教你钢琴   你教吉他
每个拜一拜三拜五来我家
结果 你钢琴只学那么一次
就不学了 真没恒心哈哈
但却每次都准时到我家   教我吉他
第一次学做蛋糕
你成了我的白老鼠
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
幸亏我做得蛮成功下
你说好吃    我不信
结果你竟然把它吃完了= =!!!




.........
第一次感觉到  原来谈恋爱可以那么幸福
..........

ღ Inti Life ღ

~Inti International University~

This is my new school      my new life      a new beginning

５月６号第一天报到　　　看到那么多人　　　好紧张好紧张～
而且报到的时候又不太顺利
天气好热
宿舍又死不远的
到了宿舍，又发现忘了去ＡＯ拿锁匙。。。。
当时真的是要抓狂了＝＝
最后只好又掉回头找ＡＯ
结果一直找一直找　　都找不到
问别人　　　才发现它他们给的地图是错的　
......＃^@&＃&@＃.......
终于回到房间
还想休息下
可是又要去 Orientation 了。。。　Ｔ.Ｔ
所以　　第一天的新生活
真的　真的　　太欠打了　@@
 但　　　第一天最大的收获
莫过于　　认识到一群美女

说到这群人　　　几好笑下　(才来一星期就学人用“几”了）　>　<
第一次看到她们
一个超安静  羞羞的酱
一个看到她　　就浅浅的对你笑
一个看起来　就一副斯文斯文样　　像很会读书的
还有一个　　一直笑一直笑　　笑不停的
加上一个我　　多想赶快结束活动回房睡觉

没想到　　一场游戏后
我们这五个来自马来西亚不同角落的怪咖　　　就这样　　混在一起了..... @@

 真正认识她们后　　才发现
一个个的外表都骗人的　＝＝
什么安安静静的啦　　　斯文的啦
都是假假的咯～
混起来　　像五个疯婆酱
xD!!!
真不知是好事还是坏事
才刚进大学就没有型相了
Ｔ.Ｔ

我们几个　　这整个星期以来
几乎２４小时都见到彼此
吃喝玩乐上课下课睡觉　都看到她们
可是一个个都很可爱
看不厌的啦ღღ～　　　呵呵
有空没空都跑到我房间聚会　八卦
有时还出去吃宵夜喝Teh Tarik到凌晨一两点
懒惰出去　　就叫外买
在宿舍楼下一起吃
或偷偷躲在房间开泡面派对
明明在同一间房间（通常都是本小姐的）
一个个却对着laptop玩facebook
一直玩comment到notification都要爆　　电脑都要当机了
去超市买东西　　像四个阿婶酱
又几衰　　遇到拜六没有Plastic Bag
只好买环保带塞呀塞　　旁边的人都在偷偷笑我们　＝＝
说真的　　这是我第一次
才认识一个星期
就四个人挤在两张小小的单人床睡觉
唉　才一个星期就酱
真难想像三个月　　一年　　两年　　三年后
我们会是怎样的　
ｘＰ!
 真希望　　我们误打误撞　得来的友谊
可以永远如此坚固
我想　如果我们其中一个离开了
我　　说不定会流下难得的一泪噢
*> <*

～给你们看看我这班损友下～

短短的小小只的可爱的，亲爱的芬芬～

我家的狗狗～旁边那个表情怪怪的是佩晶～

整天一直笑一直笑，走路会突然跳起舞的tiang tiang~

整天忙着拍拖却又抽空和我们一起玩的siet li　姐姐～

哈哈～可爱吧～再加一张我和我的 dear dear 的照片　=D

。。。总觉得自己有点怪怪的。。。哎哟本小姐不爱拍照嘛 > <!

 

虽然来了新的环境　　有了新的朋友
但有时候　　还是难免会想念
家乡的一切一切
一群姐妹们　　兄弟们
在家里整日担心着我的爸妈
哥哥姐姐
诗巫那凡事都慢慢来　　悠闲的步伐
还有　Kampua  PeaNvk Kompia
Muhibah 的水果冰　salad sotong
还有还有
妈妈的鸡汤　　和我最最爱的　　煎蛋炒菜蒲
哎呀呀　肚子饿了。。。。Ｔ.Ｔ
终于明白
独在异乡为异客的感觉
看着朋友一个个放假就坐车回家
真的好羡慕
要不是有这群损友陪着
也许真的会不耐
>　<

奖学金的成绩　　终于出了
JPA   Petronas
全都落空
虽然这是意料中的事
本来是没什么感觉
但　　一听到妈妈那失望的声音
就觉得　　为什么自己那么失败
我知道妈妈口头上说不要紧
但　　我知道
我　黄莲琪　又再次让我最爱的妈妈失望
心　　会有那么一点点痛
忍不住　自己偷偷在一旁 EMO　一下下
 告诉自己
要在这里用功读书
拿这里的奖学金
不要让妈妈的同事们看扁
=P

哇哇哇　好夜了
幸好明天。。sorry是今天　是假期　　可以睡久久
不用那么早醒　xD
讲到那么多　发现自己都还没介绍到新的学校
Paiseh Paiseh　人变有点罗嗦去
Inti　真的很大　可是只要你走习惯了就不会觉得怎样了
第一天上课　找班时差点迷路去
这里蛮美下　空气不错下
有很多很好的facilities　　虽然我没真正用过多少个哈哈
这里　真的只专注在 Campus Life
附近只有吃的　　没什么地方玩
要去买东西　　可以搭巴士或的德士
可是我觉得那些巴士很废
只有拜一到拜五有免费巴士
拜托　　我们学生不用上课的蛤？
等我们拜六礼拜有空了　　又没巴士坐
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
真的没话讲
至于这里的教授　　教得都。。。。算不错啦
只是比较闷
而且　　有些教授会让你心脏病发作
t突然叫你掏出白纸来考Pop Quiz
考完后　　还要你在３０秒内
和２００名学生挤到教授面前交上答案
真想告诉教授　　　我是来读书的
不是来竞选田径　或变成人肉叉烧包的
总的来说　　这里是不错啦
要来读书也不错噢～


这　　就是本小姐在Inti的日子
雖然很短暫
可是已經開始染上一些惡習了
像现在酱　快四点了　　还不要睡
都是他们教坏我的咯
什么　Inti-ans Never Sleep
好呗　现在真的睡不着了
等下就有熊猫眼了
 T.T
要去睡了　
大家　　　　晚安　　
x)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

告诉自己

这次不准再失败

别人能做到的

我

黄莲琪

一样也可以做到

♥♥♥♥♥

 

 

Too much--- yet not enough < /3

Sometimes I wonder if a person can be too much... yet not enough at the same time.
Juz like me.

At times when I got into a quarrel with mum, or in some days when I woke up on the wrong side of bed I dislike everything and anything that she does. But when something achingly alike to pain and exhaustion flickered in her eyes and how suddenly all her grey hair shines under my gaze, showing how hard life has been treating my mum's poor soul... I thought maybe I'm just too much for her to handle.

Or sometimes --like right now-- I feel like I'm not enough for her. not good enough. I feel like shite now.

Okay, maybe I feel like shite since 6 years ago-- when all my confidence and that smuggy look on my face was wiped out by that stupid slip of paper with my UPSR result typed neatly on it. I mean, COME ON-- I've been the top in class since primary 4 way till I was primary 6, like every fucking time. I do basketballs, netballs, ping pong, badminton, went swimming, story-telling comps, public speaking, choir, choral speaking, the head of sound controlling system in scul, be the freaking head prefect of scul, the best fucking student in scul-- yet in the end I fell. I feel like I fell from the Petronas twin tower and slammed myself into the hard, cold concrete underneath right on my face and got ran through by a tractor or a bus. But I was only twelve... So i did what kids usually do. Cry. I guess imperfection was so foreign to me that time and it hit me hard.

Which subject that scarred my childhood memories? dum da dum--- BC essay.

So yeah I just drifted off as a completely-normal-doesn't-outshine-in-any-ways student when I went for secondary scul. really, really normal. Like i have a teacher who taught me for 2 years and the next year when I greeted her she was like oh u're my student before?.... Not that it's true, but, got it?? yeah, that kind of normal. But when my academic results dropped horrendously-- that's when I saw the tears in her eyes again as she kept on acting all strong and furious with a cane in her hand and just keep on shouting, yelling until her voice finally broke and she went out of the room defeated (I never did told her my Geografi dropped 30 fucking marks bcoz I didn't pass up that stupid projek abt environmentalism and all-- bcoz seriously, teachers. U want us to go green and 'Save The World' by printing thousands of papers with some stupid pics and extremely long essays which in the end we'll surely throw it away or rather burn it. Points for sarcasm, abby) That look haunted me for months and before I realised I was picking up the pieces I'd left in my schoolworks again. and I was doing really really well and everyone had their faith in me--- again--- that I can do it. That I can stand on Mount Everest and yell "I'm on the top of the world!!" to every living being on the earth and ask PMR to toss off, you wanker. Hell even I believed that I can. When most of my friends received their results and with most of them scoring str8 As.. I couldn't help but felt more confidence growing and growing until it reach the point where my heart was gonna blow up. I mean really, some of my friends --no offense-- have poorer results than me and they've been blessed with full As. But then... Great. After 3 years someone up there decided to replay that stupid scene again. So again i was shocked, disappointed and  in despair. I don't envy my friends.. really.. I just... I just wished that I'm that lucky too, that I can get what I've worked hard for. And I was feeling so left out when almost all of my classmates went for the photoshooting... Not envy, just left out.

And the winner for the-subject-which-brutally-torn-abby-away-from-her-frens is..... ehem... BM!

And so after 2 more eventful years the same scenario strikes again! But this time the effects didn't hit me that fast. I was happy. I was content. I've got what I deserved. I'd thought I've got what I Needed. And I believed those ppl who took a simple glance at my result slip and said "Wow you've got str8 As! I'm telling you just go to Inti they'll give u full scholarship for ur foundation automatically!" and so as I was happily signing away for registration and accommodation management, those ppl who told me that freakin sentence told me with the same fucking expression "Oh I'm sorry we've just known that A minuses don't count! which makes ur scholarship dropped from 100% to 50%!" What. The. Fuck. U told me this after I've registered for everything? And once again I was one fucking subject less from the requirement. ONE. I know I only took BC coz my mum asked me to and well It is afterall my mother-tongue language but... ISTHISSOMEKINDOFAJOKE?? Bcoz it's not funny at all! Fate has been a bitch to me, mates. coz he's like, making me believed that I've done well enough but in the end I Wasn't Good Enough. 每一次都是这样....就差那么一科！一科！！！老天...你可不可以不要在每一个大考都耍我...我真的快要疯了...想到未来还有一堆更重要的考试...我...我该怎么过....

And, now... Just because of this one, meaningless, subject... my parents have to pay an extra RM7000+ for my course... I've always thought that I can do this, you know.  Saving my parent's money for them. for sis. for bro. And this thought only grew in me when I've been informed with free foundation courses... I really wanted to help you guys out, mum.. dad... but I guess I'm just not enough. I'm always gonna be the one whom people would point at and say "See that girl? She was this close to str8 As... always one subject behind." and for relatives to say "哎哟，每次都差那么一科就状元，可惜咯...."

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry mum and dad. I guess me being not good enough outweights me being too much to handle... I can never reach the point of equilibrium between this two. I'll never be the perfect li'l girl u'v always wanted me to be.

I'm sorry. :')

~ღ 专属ღ 兄妹的回忆ღ ～ （上）

Yo~! Happy Birthday! hehe~ 看来我没像某些人那么健忘，连自己妹妹的生日都会忘记～ 本来要准备礼物给你，但你妹我特别穷，所以就写这篇------我们的回忆，当是你的生日礼物咯ღ 

---Beware-----将透露你不为人知的秘密------hiak hiak hiak-----

不知不觉  认识你有17年了   

当你妹也有17年了

说真的   我们兄妹的关系

从小就不好

小时候  你常欺负我  

有时还和姐pakat起来作弄我

把我弄哭了

又笑我是“爱哭包”

跑去跟妈咪告状  

你又不甘愿  说我整天靠妈咪撑腰

还有还有

每次有什么游戏   都不要给我玩

爸爸和舅舅很常买电脑游戏给你

每次我只能静静在一旁看你玩   

想玩   你都不给

除非你那天大发慈悲才让我玩半个小时

或者你的game是2 player的  

我才能tumpang玩一下下

又可能那天刚好轮到你洗盘

我就成了你的 free laborer

记得有一次  

我真的很生气

结果一气之下

把那片电脑游戏cd给折断半

谁都不用玩 xD (原来我以前酱帅～)

当时不懂事 

还对着你喊“我不要你这个哥哥”

但 血浓于水  

我怎么能摆脱得了你 :)

我们俩  

是水和火  

是猫和鼠

是天下所有自然的公敌

一见面就吵吵吵

好不容易爸妈劝我们安静下来

不到五分钟你又拉我头发  然后就开始打起来

害得几次爸爸不耐  

骂了我们一顿

才心不甘情不愿地坐在他的两旁

有一次  超夸张的

妈妈要你把我叫醒  

其实我早就醒了 

知道你要叫我  就继续赖床

Just wanna make ur task harder

...........结果...........

你知道我在假假赖床  就捉住我两只手

literally把我从床上托下来  

把我托出房间  一直到楼梯口  

=_______________=!!!

还有很多很多你干的“好事”

不过很懒惰写了嘻嘻～

好啦  我们之间  

也有些美好的回忆

像。。。像。。。我想下。。。噢！

像以前你会开westlife 和backstreet boys 的歌

然后我们三姐弟妹就会一起唱歌  一起乱乱跳舞

最♥的歌----Seasons In The Sun

还有那首莫文蔚的---他不爱我

音域超高  结果我们三个唱到破音哈哈

还有“快乐天堂”  我唱主调 你唱配音

结果你在那边自己唱自己high 哈哈～

8岁前我们常去奶奶家

你 我 和ah Ming gor gor 就会拿几份报纸

把它卷起来  用塑胶带绑紧

当足球在房间外的走廊踢

当时我比你们两个矮一个头

自然都是你们赢 > < 

不过还是很好玩～

呵呵

你很常教我玩奇奇怪怪的东西

像射塑胶带啦  

折形状怪怪可是能飞很远的飞机啦

还有一次  你说你 能把汤匙折弯

然后你就拿家里比较软的那种铁汤匙

装出一副很费力气的样子

把那个汤匙折弯  又把它弄回原形

当时觉得很神奇  就叫你教我

结果你跑去拿 stainless steel 做的汤匙给我弄 > < !

还我一直弄到手疼了都不能 T.T

小时候和你睡同一间房

有时我们都睡不着    

你就会让我坐在你身上

在你的背后画Random patterns 和字

然后你就会猜

每次乘机Gu ji 你  你就会 Gu ji 回我

直到我笑到肚子痛或投降 =D

之后你拿到你的手机

你就会把它藏在枕头下

要我说出一个字

然后你不用看荧幕的就可以把那个字打出来

当时我还以为你有多厉害

现在想想   我也能嘛 哈哈

那些  是我们专属的美好回忆♥

=]