I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard that the next stop would be Kampar. Sighed really loudly. Suddenly thought of my family, again. Especially my mother. I really miss her. Tell the 14-year-old me I'll get so attached to her when I get to Uni, I bet that younger version of me would laugh hysterically and say u're damn crazy. I use to despise my mum. So much that once I got over the line and said I wish I was never born in this household because it sucked and because I have her as my mum. It was a hard slap on my face that I would never, ever forget in my entire life.... But anyways. Here I am. Missing her dearly even though I'd just seen her 2 hours ago when she sent me to the railway station. I thought of how hard it must have been to bring up us three kids. How dramatic our family life has been. Maybe not as dramatic as others. But hey, every household has their own problems, right? Then I thought of my father. How I use to be closer to him when I was young. How he would always piggy-back- ride me until I got way too old to be carried around. How i use to hold his hand and squeeze it tightly just because it makes me feel secure and safe. How everytime he went travelling and came back with lots of cool stuffs for me and my bro n sis. How now that I'm older I realized that I never really tell him about my life and he never tells me his. How our only conversation revolves around family matters, politics and the occasional advices to help steer my way in life. Now that I think of it, I'm so much more in common with my dad than my mum. Not only look-wise, but also personality-wise. Once I stumbled upon my dad's personal voice recordings of his daily activities. I never knew my dad was under so much stress. He always keep everything in his heart, not telling anyone. Not even mum. He doesn't really seem to care about us, but I know we meant the whole world to him. He has always been the idol of mine. Smart (top-student in class), used-to-be athletic (went Volleyball competition in overseas), good in management, good in socializing (haves tonnes of friends whose willing to give a helping hand whenever he has problems from all over the world...) and he was really handsome when he was younger :D my mum told me all the girls in their University swoon all over him whenever he plays volleyball, but he only got his eyes set on my mum anyway *how sweet*.
Then I thought about my brother. How we're almost like strangers now. I use to be closest to him even though we always fight with each other. Mainly coz he's the only one who bothers to entertain me and plays with me and gives me all these cool things to play ( which at the end turns out I have to do something for him in order to play these things). I remember how he use to pay me 50 cents to scratch his back at night before we sleep. Or how he lets me draw something on his back and he could guess straight away what I was drawing or writing. Then he went to college and I got older.... then somewhere along the way we drifted apart. I don't even know what to say to him now. Not awkward, just silence. Tbh, I'm jealous to see him interacting with my cousins better than with me. I mean, I'm his sister. We have the same blood in us. I made an effort of finding him occasionally, but he almost always ignore me. I hate it. I hate how he never tries to contact us family members, never making an effort to maintain our family bond. and now how he chooses his girlfriend over mum. How could he do that? Whenever I hear mum sobbing at the other end of the phone I just..... my heart breaks. Why things have to be complicated? Then there's this thing about him spending money too generously. Yes my family is not rich, but we could get by our lives leisurely without any financial worries. But when he went to UK for his 3 months degree training, things got a little bit out of hand. I don't blame him for sightseeing across the whole Europe, but he caught up with this stupid expensive hobby-- Collecting original "Hard Rock" t-shirts from different countries. And then he received an iPad from his girlfriend's mum. My mum was so angry that she banked in rm2000 to his account and told him "Give back the money. I don't want you to owe her family anything." And by that time I just enrolled in my college Inti and my sis was preparing to go for her Masters in Germany. My mum kept on asking me not to worry, but I know it's getting hard for them to support three of us with two overseas. So as usual I have to be the 'smart-enough-to-do-the-right-thing' child. When Petronas called me and said that I'd receive the scholarship, I was shocked and in disbelieve and sad. I really don't wanna leave my frens in Inti. I called my parents and they said they will respect my choice, no matter what it is. But I really wanna lift the financial pressure away from them.... so here I am. Not that I'm complaining, coz now I look back it was the right thing to do. but still I wish my brother would have been more sensible. See, that's the problem. He doesn't contact us. He doesn't care. He doesn't know anything and he is oblivious to what might be happening to our family but instead he's more concerned with my cousin's family coz he's living under their roof now. sigh..... Why does it have to be so complicated.......
Back to Uni safe and sound after hopping on a cab I called earlier on. The driver was nice, chinese. Said call him Uncle Lau. told me stories of his passengers which mostly are UTP students like me. Got to my room, throw everything on the floor. Tidy up a few things. Went to bath. Lie on bed, missing my family again yet too tired to think of anything else. Think of how I'd just wasted hours thinking useless things without any answers. (And now wasting even more time to write this stupid blog out coz I just had to). Stuff my ears with earphone and drown myself into songs. Phone shuffles to "Always look on the bright side of life" by Monty Python. Think that no matter how hard life seems to be, maybe it will come around itself without the need of you worrying it. Close eyes and finally succumbed to my exhaustion.
